Boner Troubles
by adamismyhomeboy
Summary: Used to be Maureen Cleans? Mark has a secret from Maureen, which is depriving her from her favorite thing: Sex. Complete!
1. Chapter 1

Maureen straddled her boyfriend, Mark, nipping at his neck as she unbuttoned his shirt. "Tonight's all about what you," she whispered, her hands fumbling with the last button. She pushed the shirt off of his shoulders, her lips moving up to his jaw line. "Tell me what you want," she added, letting her dainty hands move down his chest and to the top of his pants.

As bad as Mark wanted it, wanted her, he couldn't. "Sleep," he squeaked. "I need sleep, Maureen. As nice as this seems, I really need to go to bed. Today was such a ha-"

"Sleep," Maureen repeated, pulling away and staring him in the eyes. "I'm on top of you, _naked_, and you want to go sleep?" she asked. She was NEVER rejected when it came to sex. Jobs, yes. But, sex? No, that NEVER happened, especially by Mark Cohen.

Mark's eyes met hers, seeing the hurt in her eyes and nodded. "Maureen, it's not that I don't want too…" he trailed off, right when she got off of his lap and started to put on her clothes. "C'mon, Maureen. Hear me out."

"You're tired. Go to sleep. I'll see you in the morning." And she slammed the bedroom door shut. To Maureen, sex was… everything. You don't take anything away from Maureen that means the world to her, or else you'll get a very weird, unhappy Maureen.

* * *

"Ugh, you guys are sickening," Collins mumbled as he walked passed April and Roger making out on the stairs and into the loft. And when he walked inside, he saw something he'd never thought he'd see. "Mau… are you… are you cleaning?"

Maureen looked up from the floor, her eyes bloodshot and her face dirty. "Mhm! It's fun!" She looked back down at the floor, and continued scrubbing. "Do you know where we keep the Windex? You can't see out of those windows if your life freaking depended on it!" she squealed and sat up, wiping the sweat off of her forehead with her arm.

Collins just continued to stare at her, his jaw to the floor. He bent his back a little and turned his head. "Hey guys, I think Maureen has lost it…" he called out of the loft, needing some else to confirm what he was witnessing.

"Lost it?! Hah! No way! I'm just really in the mood to clean." Maureen stood up and ran over to the kitchen, getting more paper towels. "Where the fuck is the Windex?!"

Roger walked inside, April following, both of their jaws falling to the floor. "She's cleaning?" they said in harmony. "Did hell freeze over or something?" Roger whispered, seeing April starting for the kitchen, but he stopped her. "No, going near a Maureen who is cleaning is like going near a lion during mating season. Not a good idea." He was right. It was a once in a blue moon thing to see Maureen clean, so you never knew what was going to happen.

April giggled. "Oh, c'mon, the girl is just cleaning."

Roger and Collins exchanged looks. April didn't know Maureen for long. It's only been about two weeks since she has met her. So, she has no idea what she was about to get herself into by talking to her. "Okay, fine, go talk to her," Roger said, smirking.

April started for the kitchen, but she heard Maureen growl; yes, growl, and turned around. "What the fuck is wrong with her?" she asked, tip toeing back over to the boys. "She fucking growled at me."

Roger laughed as his mind made his own little picture of Maureen growling. She had teeth of a vampire and the face of an evil lion/dog, with a mane. It's the mind of Roger Davis, what else do you expect? "The last time I saw her like this was because someone got the lead in the school musical, and she got some stupid part," he recalled. "Maybe someone is pissing her off? I don't know. It doesn't take much to piss her off. So, maybe it's something really hardcore."

Maureen walked out into the living room and everyone took a step back. Collins decided to bring up something he knows that will cheer her up. "So, where's Mark?" And she growled, again. "Probably getting balls, I hope," she murmured. Well, so much for cheering her up. "And maybe a Sex with Maureen for Dummies book! Ya'know, because the damn pansy WON'T FUCK ME! It's been a whole month, and he hasn't touched me. Yeah, he cuddled, BUT WHO LIKES CUDDLING!? I WANT INTERCOURSE! " She turned to Roger and put her hand on her hips. "You would fuck me, right? Like, if I was about to BLOW YOU, you'd let me, right?! If I was naked, on top of you, you'd let me do whatever you want and not want to go to sleep, right?!"

Its official, Maureen has lost it. Completely.

Right when Roger was about to answer, Mark walked in. Everyone turned around and then looked at Maureen. Whatever was about to happen, was not going to be pretty.

"…it smells like Clorox. Who has been cleaning?" Mark asked, taking off his scarf and camera bag. He looked over, to see a dirty, pissed and shaky Maureen. "Maureen… you've been cleaning?"

Maureen nodded. "Yep!" she said and moved over to the windows and began spraying them with whatever she could find, since she still could not find the damn Windex. "Mark, I have a question…"

"Mark… agree with everything she says. She's about to get all psycho on you because apparently you won't fuck her," Collins warned and moved over to the kitchen, to get some, of course, Stoli.

Mark looked at Collins and sighed. "Maureen, look before you say anything…" he paused, looking around the room. Okay, this was not something he wanted to say in front of everyone. "Can we go into the bedroom and talk?" he asked, his eyes softening up.

"Oh, NOW you want to go into the bedroom? No, tell me what you have to tell me, now," Maureen demanded, jumping off of the window sill and looking at Mark, her foot tapping impatiently. "I'm waiting."

Mark sighed. _Oh, come on, Maureen. I don't want to say it front of Roger…_ "Maureen, this isn't the plac-"

"SAY IT, COHEN!" Maureen screamed.

"I HAVE AN ERECTION PROBLEM!" Mark screamed back.

…Silence…

Maureen dropped the Clorox, rag and her jaw. "You're telling me, I didn't get laid in four weeks because you have an erection problem." She took a few steps towards him. "I didn't have one satisfying night of sleep because I didn't get my daily orgasm. I'm CLEANING this damn loft, to force all my energy out, because YOU have an erection problem." She stopped talking, and just continued walking. And when she was face to face with him, she slapped him, hard. "You deprived me of sex, when you KNOW there are things out there to cure Boner Troubles! I can't believe you did that."

Mark put his hand up to his face. "I'm sorry, I was embarrassed. I didn't want you to think that you caused this…"

"Oh, Mark. I'm hot. I know I'm not the problem. You're blood just doesn't want to rush to Prince Albert, " Maureen said, hearing the other three laugh. "Shut up, I was drunk and the name stuck," she looked back at Mark. "Tomorrow, we're going to the doctor."

"Maur-"

Maureen put her hand over Mark's mouth, shaking her head. "Oh, no. Don't fight with me. You're getting this fixed and then we're having sex, A LOT."

**A/N:** Yeah, this is bad writing, but blame my aunt. She called when I was writing. But, I thought it was funny. Haha. So, yeah, no mean reviews, thanks! :


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Since SapphireNight wrote a very nice review and told me I should take this story a little bit further, I'm going to. But, just a heads up, I haven't written for RENT in about two months because I think I lost my touch, but whatever. Let's see how this goes, shall we?**

"Maureeeeen," Mark whined as they went down the stairs in their building. "Do we really have to do this? I mean, what if it's better? Don't you want to try it out? I think you doooo," he added, giving her a little nudge with a wink.

Oh, HELL no. Maureen was in no mood to 'Try It Out.' That's all they've been doing to see if blood would rush to his Prince, but no such luck. But, Maureen did get her daily orgasms from… well, never mind. "No, I want to go get this fixed because you know it's not. We need to get this thing cured, pookie or else I might just start… exercising," she told him, seeing his eyes widen. "Yeah, I need to get my energy out somehow, and I cannot live off of Oral Orgasms forever. I'm in the 30 percent of girls who CAN orgasm from having a dick being thrusted into my vagina. And, I want to keep it that way, okay?" She smiled sweetly, taking his hand. "So, we're going, the doctor is going to do his job, and you're going to fuck me for three hours, we're going to stop for food, and then we're going to do it again."

Mark smirked. "Don't you think we should ease back into sex?"

Maureen's face twisted in confusion. "Mark, we didn't ease into sex when we weren't dating! And, 'sides, you have A LOT of orgasms to make up." She giggled, giving him a kiss on the cheek before getting a cab. When she sat down, she told the guy the address and smiled. "And step on it, please? I really want to have sex and I can't when he has Boner Troubles."

"MAUREEN!"

She pouted. "Sorry," she whispered, and dropped her head. "It slipped."

Mark shook his head, rubbing his temples. "Okay, no talking to the doctor. No blurting anything out. Let me deal with this."

Maureen nodded. "Sure, okay, pookie."

"Maureen, promise me."

"I promise."

The cab ride seemed to take five light years. But, soon enough, Mark and Maureen were sitting in the waiting room, seeing all the other couples. The girls looked just as distressed as Maureen did and the guys seemed all embarrassed. "I didn't think all of these guys would have boner troubles," she mumbled to Mark, hearing him exhale a chuckle.

"Can't you call it erectile dysfunction?" Mark asked, letting his hand move over her shoulders, pulling her close.

Maureen shook her head. "I don't think so. I don't even know what erectile means." She saw Mark's head move side to side, chuckling. She went to ask what he was shaking his head at; a nurse came out with a clip board and smiled. "Mark Cohen, the doctor will see you now."

"THANK, GOD!" Maureen squealed and jumped up, taking Mark's hand and walking towards the nurse. She gave Maureen the room number, three, and the diva pulled Mark all the way there, seeing a diagram of a penis. She squealed and ran over to it, picking it up. "Is this the natural size for a guy? If so, Pookie, you're a definite lotto win," she told him before giggling.

Mark's pale face turned many shades of red, because obviously, Maureen didn't notice the doctor standing right there, smirking a little. "Maur-"

"Pookie, it was a compliment. Your at least eight…" she trailed off, seeing the doctor. Awkwarddd. "Hi, my bad," she said before giggling. "I'll just sit over here and not talk."

The doctor laughed, nodding. "You must Mark Cohen and this is your… wife, Maureen?"

"Girlfriend," Maureen corrected without hesitation. She was never one to let that one slide. She hated that word; wife. She was only twenty one. She was not getting married. No thanks.

The doctor nodded. "Well, hello Maureen and Mark. I'm Doctor Robert. I'm here to check your balls." It was good thing he knew how to talk about these things without Maureen raising her hand and asking what that meant; because she definitely would. "Take off your pants, Mark." Maureen stifled a giggle, coughing over it and looking down at the ground, counting the tiles.

Mark did as he was told and stood there in his batman boxers that Maureen bought him for the second day of Hanukah. "And my boxers?" He saw the doctor nod and he blushed even more. He took off his boxers and just when they hit the floor, a nurse poked her head in. "Doc, do you need th-" she paused, taken back from what was exposed. She looked up at Maureen. "You're very lucky," she said before giggling.

"I know, right?!" Maureen squealed, feeling Mark's eyes glaring at her. She looked up at him and sighed. "Oh, pookie, get a grip." She rolled her eyes and looked over at the tiles, starting up the counting again.

The doctor laughed and told Mark to do various things** (a/n: which, I have no idea what he does because I don't a penis, and if I did, I don't think It'd be all… broken. ;D)** He kneeled down in front of Mark and Maureen's mind instantly went to a porn she recently watched. She couldn't take her eyes away. But, she did when she heard Mark cough a little. "When was the last time you two had sex?" the doctor asked.

"A really long time ago," she answered before scrunching her face up.

The doctor looked up at Mark, smiling. "Did you… in kind terms, explode?" he asked, seeing Mark shake his head no. "You didn't? Do you try masturbating?"

Maureen raised her hand, like she was in school. "Why would he need to whack off when he has me to screw?" she asked, totally serious. She was almost hurt by what he said.

"Well, since he has a problem, masturbating, and trying by himself might be the best bet, but if not, we could prescribe him something," Doctor Robert said, looking back and forth at the couple. Mark nodded and Maureen still didn't get it, but she nodded as well. "Okay, well, you should go home, watch porn, I recommend Tight End." The doctor laughed and patted Mark on the back. "And, if it doesn't work, come back."

Mark smiled. "Thanks, Doc!" He smiled as he walked out, before pulling up his pants. He looked over at Maureen, who looked really upset. "What's wrong, baby girl?" he asked, taking her head.

"HE PRESCRIBED YOU TIGHT END! I thought he was going like, poke it, and make it better, so we could do it!" Maureen pouted.

Mark rolled his eyes, exhaling a laugh. "You can watch it with me," he said, smirking. "And, if I just so happen to increase, you can take advantage of it," he said, pulling her closer, kissing her cheek. "How 'bout it?"

"Alright, you better fucking get hard or I might just cut it off," she told him in all seriousness as they made their way out of the doctor's office.

* * *

Laying there, her chest heaving and her body almost completely numb, Maureen managed to chuckle. She looked over at Mark, who was completely motionless, a hazy smirk playing on his lips. Tight End and masturbating was a complete success. She grinned. "I think you're fixed," she said before rolling on top of him and kissing him hard. "Never become boner troubled again," she whispered, hearing a small mumble of the word okay from Mark. "Thanks, now lets do it again."


End file.
